Review of the week

Whatever happened to the threat of Ebola? Wasn’t it supposed to have consumed half the British population by now? Every week or every month there seems to be a new scare tactic reported by ALL the television news channels and daily rags… Since the two Korean countries have now shook hands and actually spoken to each other, America, albeit potentially briefly, has turned its bully boy tactics towards Iran (again). What gives with the American foreign policy? Do as I say don’t do as I do springs to mind, as the good old U S and A flexes its junk food fed muscles. Never-mind about Israel having nuclear weapons eh, they need them don’t they? This shit better not fuck up my trip in October you c*nts.

Scotland has introduced new policies to try and tackle the increasing alcohol abuse problem they seem to have, by raising costs to a minimum retail price and banning certain promotions. This seems to have caused all kinds of uproar, as it seen as targeting those on lesser financial incomes. I can see this going one of two ways;
a) it’ll promote a healthier lifestyle and deter the public from binge drinking, or
b) People are extremely resourceful and like most things, the black market will find a way to produce cheap (and more dangerous) alcoholic drinks that aren’t regulated by any policies or standards…
Anyway, if Scotland thinks it has a drink problem, it should take a look at Uganda (think Idi Amin). Those crazy bastards have the highest alcoholic dependency rate in the world. They drink some schwifty home-made brew called Wariga which is made from bananas but often turns people blind if they have too much of it. Much like masturbation then.

It has been another chaotic week on the public service transport. With the camper van now sold and the aging Mercedes giving up the ghost, I’m heavily reliant on buses and trains and the occasional taxi to get me where I need to be. One thing I notice in the PST is that there is no decorum. The typical Britishness of waiting in line completely disappears at a bus stop. You could be the first at the bus stop, soaked to skin waiting for your bus, but if a crowd of people come, you can forget about being first on sunshine. People don’t give a Frenchmans fuck if you’re soaked to the skin or if you have been waiting 5 to 10 minutes longer than the rest. It is a free for all!
You also quite often see some crazy people on the bus service. Mainly on the journey home, which I can only presume, means that crazy people don’t get out of bed until after seven thirty on week days.

2 of the strangest things I’ve witnessed either waiting for the bus home from work or actually being on the bus home were unfortunately both carried out by women. Sorry ladies. Although to be fair in one instance one lady did have assistance by an equally insane bloke. The crazy thing about it is, they don’t even realise they are crazy.
The first tale came on one of the earlier return buses, which always happen to be chock full of people. So much so it was standing room only. A women got on who, to be fair, didn’t look like a full shilling. She had her arm in a cast, a bottle of pop in her pocket and was carrying a (probably top of the range and on tick) Ipad with her good arm. She propped herself up with her back against the hand luggage rail near the front of the bus with-out securing herself in any way. So this lady decided to start watching her Ipad. She rested the Ipad between the crease of her elbow of her broken hand and then struggled to put her ear phones into her ears all whilst maintaining her balance as the bus was driving and changing gears in its jerky fashion. Then she decided to open her bottle of pop. She took the bottle out of her trouser pocket and proceeded to open the top her teeth and her good hand. Fairly impressive so fair. Who says women can’t multi task?
However, she started to get cocky at that point, and not realising that juggling 3 chainsaws was enough, she went for the fourth. She decided to stroke another passenger’s pet dog. Rookie mistake love… The bus driver subsequently slammed on his brakes and old Vishnu takes a slow motion tumble onto her backside… There wasn’t a hint of embarrassment… And rather unfortunately the bottle of pop didn’t spill a drop….

The second incident happened as I sat waiting for the number 30. Another bus pulled up, I can’t remember where it was going, but there was a young lady hot stepping it towards the bus. She was carrying what I can only presume was her kids tea for the evening. It was a McDonalds’. She had her arms full anyway. But as she proceeded to pay her way on the bus, she too was guilty of juggling too many items and subsequently dropped her kids' chocolate milkshake all over the floor of the bus… Again I didn’t see much reserve or embarrassment on the girls face. What seemed to be one of local smack heads did decide to help her though in the most enthusiastic of ways. He contributed by trying to sweep the chocolate milkshake from the bus into the pavement with his foot. The bus driver was just sat there, almost seemed like he was refusing to move until the mess was cleaned up. The local smack head was determined to make it spic and span but it wasn’t helping, until the girl kindly gave him her hoody to use to mop up the mess… The guy was insistent and to be fair, managed to clean the mess up with her hoody.  Once he’d got it mostly mopped up, he was well happy with himself. The girl then asked for her chocolate milkshake soaked hoodie back…

For more exciting adventures, be sure to tune in next week…